Good morning, good afternoon, good evening -whatever! Depends on what time you are reading about me. Actually, I don’t care! For it is this careless attitude of mine that makes me famous. Yes, you probably know me directly or through a familiar friend or through my illustrious presence on social media. Like it or not, I am someone most people find it difficult to ignore. I am a legendary and eminent figure; for sometimes I end up inviting more attention than the so-called esteemed celebrities.

The more people detest me, the more followers I have. You must have seen me when I commented that Aishwarya Rai with purple lipstick in Cannes looked as if she was straight out from a circus. Similarly, I was immensely famous, appreciated and followed when I made that modest Aamir Khan famous as a traitor for sharing his insecurities in an interview. I keep a special watch on the non-conformist a lot, who dare to speak or act against the tide. My significant business happens online over social media posts,
newsgroups, blogposts or chat rooms. My presence leaves the world distracted, provoked, amused or inflamed.

I am like God! I issue orders and pass judgments fearlessly! When Malaika Arora decided to separate from her husband, I thrashed her for her irresponsible and cretinous choice. Owing to my busy schedule and long hours on the computer I have become little weak and weigh merely 90 kgs, but I was the one who made the world realise that Sonakshi Sinha desperately needs to workout. While Chennai was facing a water crisis, how dare Soundarya Rajinikanth share pictures of herself and her son in the pool talking of teaching swimming to kids? I instantly gathered a huge like-minded crowd and made her taste the salt of the sea.

I am no less powerful than your Big Boss! Remember when that lady Shilpa Shinde was basking in the glory of winning the reality show Big Boss Season 11; I was the one ardently working on giving her a reality check. Body shaming her, I made sure she stays grounded instead of rejoicing in transient glory. When Priyanka Chopra created news marrying Nick Jonas 10 years younger than her, the blind fans got preoccupied with their love story. I was the one who garnered special attention online for my prediction that this love won’t last, for it breaks the societal age norms of marriage. These days, I see Sunny Leone trying to be a Mother Teresa posing with her adopted kids and promoting kindness but not to worry I will make sure that people see her for what she indeed was, a porn star and nothing more. I will not let her fool the public by distracting them with such news. Remember when Virat Kohli was dismissed early in a match against South Africa, I made sure that Anushka Sharma too pays the price for it. After all, why should only the viewers suffer?

I try my best to be a sage promoting Indian values, but I made Abhishek Bachchan answerable for being a kid and still staying with his parents. I and those who confirm with my beliefs are the only ones entitled to the freedom of speech. So, when Shruti Seth dared to deliberate on PM Modi’s initiative ‘selfie with daughter’, calling for reform instead of gimmickry, I responded immediately. My single tweet that whether she was sexually abused in childhood and ashamed to pose with her father or whether she did not know who her father was; was supported by my entire clan. A tsunami of tweets on her, her husband and daughter questioning if she was a prostitute or was trying to resurrect her career created immense interest. Some sadistic fellows claimed that these tweets revealed the real face of the fake and hypocritical society, where one side men were busy posing with their daughters, on the other side they were stripping a woman of her dignity by using abusive words. Who cares, I was on top of the chart enjoying all the attention!

Don’t think my life just circles around these celebs. I have a political presence too! Anyone trying to question the current government and adverse effects of their policies be it demonetization, beef-eating, Kashmir issue, increasing communal divide, rampant lynching, caste issue, etc., I warn you in advance beware of me! I am a chief consultant who advises thousands each day to leave their homeland and find a place in Pakistan or elsewhere if they beg to differ. Thanks to CAA, NRC, NPR, these days I have too much work in my hands. Anyone trying to discuss, deliberate or debate over it, I unapologetically shut them up labelling them as anti-nationals. I neither have the inclination nor time to research myself about the law. It becomes more accessible and entertaining if the person expressing dissent happens to be a woman, like Swara Bhaskar. It saves a lot of my time. I don’t have to waste my precious time listening to her words for I have a rich vocabulary and experience in slut-shaming the so-called liberal and empowered women. So, what if India is a democratic country, I believe the power to express is solely vested with me.

Hence friends, love me or hate me but you can’t ignore me, for I am everywhere. My activities spark particular interest, and despite people calling me toxic or trying to avoid me, my clan is on the rise. With your good wishes, I am sure I will create the perfect place for our kids and future generation. Devoid of mutual respect, peaceful coexistence, freedom of personal choice and voice, I will make sure that I will emerge as the king of the new world that I intend to create. Cheers!

By now I guess, you know who I am. I am ‘THE TROLL.”